How Embracing Radically Honest Friends Can Transform Your Self-Awareness
(Even If You've Struggled with Hearing the Truth in the Past)
Giving honest answers is 100x harder than you think.
Soft-edged answers where ‘I didn’t full-on lie so I was honest’ don’t count. Nor do answers where you omit details that you know are relevant but won’t be well-received. You do this way more than you realize.
Strive for sharing the full version of your internal thoughts instead. Unbridled authenticity. You’re already shifting uncomfortably in your seat, right?
Why is that? And what amazing benefits await you when you and those around you can overcome it?
The Biggest Lie We Tell Ourselves About Dishonesty
“I’m protecting their feelings!”
No. Not true. You’re making excuses that are easier for your ego to hear.
Imagine this scenario.
You start college and move into a dorm at the start of the term. Quickly, one roommate’s personal hygiene problems are clear to everyone. They stink. They head out to the bathroom. The rest of you make faces at each other. You all know. People wave their hands near their noses, acknowledging the truth.
You turn to finish unpacking and the others scuttle out behind you. You hear the door again and look up. Suddenly, it’s you and Stinky Stinkerson. All alone. “Where are the others?”, says SS.
What do you do?
Shrug, smile politely, quickly finish what you’re doing, and head out ASAP.
Offer a half-hearted reason on the way past and suggest SS come and find you all.
Give an honest answer.
I’d bet a lot of dollars that almost everyone would choose one of the first two.
We’re protecting their feelings, remember!
Well, let’s play it out and see what happens.
Option 1 or 2
Stinky remains alone in the room. They got the vibes that they’re not wanted but have no idea why - tough way to start the year.
They try their best to integrate that day. The others tolerate them for short bursts but there’s still a stark vibe of exclusion. What on earth is going on?
They lie awake at night, replaying everything they said or did in that first hour. Did they somehow offend? Damage someone’s prized possession while unpacking?
This continues through the first week. Their emotions spiral. “Do I even belong here?”. They can’t get into their work. Others in the class avoid them too. They cry themselves to sleep. They quit and go home by November.
What a great job you did protecting their feelings, right?
Option 3
You take a deep breath. Brace yourself.
“Hey, I don’t mean to be rude but I noticed a pretty strong smell coming from you.”
“Really?” says SS. “I hadn’t noticed anything myself. I was a pretty late bloomer though and haven’t ever needed to use deodorant before.”
“Well”, you say, “I think your time has come! I have a pretty cool brand I settled on after trying a few, I can lend you some until you can get to a shop if you like?”
“Oh my goodness, thank you. I’m horrified that I hadn’t noticed but so grateful you pointed it out!”
Stinky sprays under their arms, and you head outside together and join the others. Friendships bloom among the group.
Ten years later, they re-tell the story as best man at your wedding.
Do you want the truth about the first two options?
You were protecting somebody’s feelings - your own. You weren’t prepared to sacrifice a moment of discomfort for the greater good.
This happens everywhere in life:
You decline dance party invitations for unclear or made-up reasons. But, in truth, you don’t like dancing. You keep getting invited to dance parties.
You pretend to like a pair of comedy underpants from Grandma at Christmas. You get a pair every year.
You don’t tell your friend their new outfit looks weird on them. Instead, you say it’s nice. They wear it all the time.
Look at all those feelings you’re protecting! Again and again!
At a relentless and increasing cost to you and those around you.
You Need Honesty To See Your Biggest Strengths And Weaknesses
What’s your superpower?
This can be a nightmare icebreaker question, especially in a work setting. How do you come across competent, yet humble? Picking a trait you’re working on developing might be a good bet? Although if it’s a source of that type of focus, it’s more of a weakness than a strength.
See how you’re focused more on what you think you’re supposed to be saying than the truth?
Argh. “I’m a bit too much of a perfectionist.” (P.S. No you’re not, you’re using it as a cover story for procrastination.)
To understand why this question is so hard, think of someone else’s superpower. Something where you feel awe as they glide through something that others find difficult. It’s so easy for them!
They are operating in a state of unconscious competence.
You are blind to your biggest strengths because you’ve been so good at them for so long that they become second nature. You need an honest friend to tell you what they are. Luckily, getting people to say nice things is the easiest part of honesty.
(Note - One can earn superpowers by consistent hard work over long periods. BUT note how it’s easier to say “oh they’re a natural” than admit that you haven’t put in the same amount or quality of work.)
Moving to the upper-left segment we see why you’re blind to your weaknesses. You are so bad at them, you don’t even realize that the skill exists.
Back to Stinky. They had no idea that ‘smelling good’ was something they had to develop proficiency in.
So what they needed, was an honest friend. A kind person with the courage to nudge them into the bottom left quadrant of conscious incompetence. Then, and only then, could they see the path and start their journey.
Becoming aware of your biggest strengths and weaknesses is rocket fuel for self-development. Honesty is the key to unlocking them.
The Parable Of Honest Tom
My friend, who I’ll call Tom, had a profound impact on my life with one simple sentence back in 2015.
“Life is so much easier if you’re honest with people.”
Honest Tom
He described how he freed himself from a previous loop of social events, many of which he knew he wasn’t going to enjoy. The simple solution?
“Thanks for the invitation! I’m not going to come.”
Wow! No excuses or explanations? Didn’t people expect those? They do but… they must be prepared for a reason they may not want to hear. They must risk crossing a boundary set by a closed sentence. Tom doesn’t need to explain his choices in his life.
It gets better. With each made-up excuse or false nicety, you add another strand to the web of deception. You then have to remember them. You have to stack them up with the others. Heaven forbid anyone find out you were making them up…argh. So tiring, right?
Since then, I’ve tried to stick to this as much as possible. Including at work. I believe it has paid so many dividends in personal peace of mind over the last 9 years.
I last saw Tom 5 or so years ago, we were meeting for lunch in London. He was eating a vegan diet at the time. So, I excitedly searched for a nice vegan place (there are many by the way) and sent him the booking.
“Oh you don’t have to do this. I’m happy at a normal restaurant as long as I have one or two options”
Did I wonder if he really meant this or if he was trying to be polite? No. Not for a second. If a vegan place was super important to him, I knew he’d say that.
“No, it’s fine. I’m excited to experience a vegan place and explore the menu with you.”
Did Tom wonder if I really meant that and was over-accommodating for him? No. Not for a second. If I didn’t feel comfortable, he knew I’d have said that.
Efficient. Trustful. Easy.
The amazing thing is that the tougher the topic, the more value this approach brings. Tom couldn’t attend my wedding due to work. Our conversation was full of joy and love, with no awkwardness. Same when I declined an invitation to a milestone birthday of his recently.
How many of your lunch arrangements are like this?
How many of your friendships are like this?
If you have any friends like Tom, run towards them, hold on to them tight and appreciate the tremendous value you bring to each other with your courage.
Beyond Discomfort: The Rewards of Radical Honesty
Your life could be so much better on the other side of honesty’s hurdles.
Challenge yourself to push past your emotions about telling the truth and see it as an unselfish act to do so.
Start today:
Tell your partner about something they do that bothers you.
Decline that invitation you’ve left sitting there on ‘read’. Remember, you don't need to provide an explanation if that helps you!
Ask a few people close to you what your superpower is. Get ready for a surprise!
Embrace the freedom of honesty. Watch as it swings open the doors to a more real, fulfilling life.
i loved this Graeme. Honesty and truth with kindness is priceless. And the mark of a good friendship/relationship that will stand the test of time is this also. As i get older i find it rarer. Some are more set and defensive of their ways and less open to honest feedback or giving honest feedback kindly vs judgementally. The friend who i can talk to honestly and who can give me honest and critical feedback is like a great treasure chest.
Honestly, I would prefer a brutally honest friend to a yes-man. It's better to hear certain things from the people you love, than to hear them later from a random stranger.
And thank you for the advice. I'm always caught up on what I should say when declining, I forget that sometimes no reason is needed!